when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize