I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
