so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
