So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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