Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
