So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You made out with two different species that night
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
