the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You're a disaster
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