We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
