ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
