Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
