I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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