wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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