If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
