forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
