She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
