Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i drank out of a bidet.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
