i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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