im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
