I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
