i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
