Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
