i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
