My friends, they love my intelligence
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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