As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize