In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
