What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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