The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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