allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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