I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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