I think im going to throw up on grandma
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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