She is in my trunk
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
