I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize