Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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