This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
