Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
