new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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