Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
