my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize