I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
