and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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