I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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