Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize