Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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