Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
