if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
