Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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