the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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