Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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