Whats the glycemic index on semen?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
we're so committed to being not committed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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