I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
