I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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