the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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