i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
