How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
