fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
