I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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