he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
