A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
