Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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