i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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