her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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