The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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