i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
