Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
