i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
