it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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