im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
